Cascade of Stars

points of brilliance falling unorganized before fizzling out

So. Depression.

I recently realized, after having a talk with my friend, that I may be experiencing some amount of depression, possibly of the existential variety. I realized this because I've been exhibiting some common symptoms thereof: loss of interest, irritability, reduced appetite, change of sleep cycle, et cetera. I'm not sure where it's stemming from, but I can hazard a guess of the recent death of my great-grandmother.

I suppose it needs saying that I've never really... Well, let's just say the idea of mortality and my mind do not like to interact. And with the first death of a family member of mine since I could actually remember things, it might have hit me harder than I thought it did, attempting to assert the reality of mortality to me. This, unsurprisingly, has not been pleasant.

I had always believed myself to be comfortable with the fact that I will surely die, but I recently discovered through self-analyzation that I instead had been holding on to some futile hope that some technology would be developed in order to preserve my consciousness beyond when my body could. Alas, that is most likely not the case. It is also most likely not the case that I will ever make any large or lasting mark on this world, or even any significant group.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this, if I'm honest. Perhaps I expected it to be therapeutic, which it was, albeit marginally. Perhaps I'm seeking others who may feel the same way I do. Or perhaps I was looking for a way to organize and sort out my thoughts, and what better way to accomplish that than put them into a format for others to consume?

In any event, I hope that you somehow enjoyed reading this, and if not, my apologies. I didn't exactly write this for anyone other than me, but feedback is always appreciated.

– shine with brilliance, VoidEnigma